So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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