Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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