Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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