Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize