Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
