Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
