I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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