PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Randomize
