some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
