atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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