I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize