What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
