Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
