He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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