tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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