I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize