I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
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