Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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