So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
