Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize