it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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