So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
