Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
