My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
