you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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