Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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