I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
