NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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