Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
