And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
