You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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