we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
