I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
