well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
