He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize