oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
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