you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
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