Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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