Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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