can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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