I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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