The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
