I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
