a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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