I just saw a hot homeless man
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize