I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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