Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
