all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
