i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
