everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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