I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
