Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
