then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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