Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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