I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize