then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
