Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
