Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
