Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
