I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize