census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
