The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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