chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
