nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
