Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
My liver is preforming stress tests.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
